Those that Wander, May not be Lost.

Sometimes when I’m in one of your favorite spots writing I notice someone that seems to be wandering around. Scanning the room in a way that says, I may not be staying. I can feel their discomfort from the other side of the room, mostly because I often feel that way as well. Overwhelming myself with questions: Can I have coffee alone? Do I want to have coffee alone? Is this the kind of a place where table for one is normal? Does my laptop count as ‘two’? My own line of questioning makes me want to welcome them in and let them know they are not lost. But I don’t, because I know the truth: Those that wander, may not be lost. In fact, most wanderers know exactly where they are and are just trying to decide if they want to stay.

This wandering concept reminds me of my first Dance Party class at Optimal Sport Newtown. I can’t imagine how I looked on that first day, praying my insecurities were not leaking all over the floor. Hoping that my outfit and choice to stand in the front row, would help with the fake it till ya make it, thing.

And it did.

While I’m not sure how great my dancing was in that first class, I loved it despite all my fears! That wasn’t the part that surprised me, though. I mean, who doesn’t love to dance? What surprised me, was that I wrote a blog about it and then sent the blog out for others to see! Surprising in that when you are playing the fake-it-til-you-make-it game, the idea is to, well, fake it, not let everyone in on the secret. It is the act of wandering around like you know exactly where you are, even when you don’t. In hopes that eventually, your fears would dissipate and you might suddenly feel at home. Not lost at all.

If I was comfortable sharing my insecurities, then I wouldn’t have had to fake anything. Right?

Yet this is what I do. When things don’t go right, I go left. I’m an incessant lefty. And so, I shared the post with the instructor who led the class and posted it on social media without a single worry. What was there to worry about? That dance class gave my fingers a reason to get back to the keyboard and I wanted to yell that from the rooftops.

I felt unfrozen, free to move, think and breathe easily, no sticky muck to hold me down. No more faking it. I could just be me! If you have ever been truly stuck, wanting to move but unable to, then you might relate to this. It felt like a new version of myself had arrived just when I needed it most!

The next week I could hardly wait to get back to class. I mean, I had put all my vulnerabilities out there on paper and was now free to move around and dance like no one was watching. I was no longer hiding from myself.

I had an excitement I could barely contain, thinking how this freedom might help me in my life. And with an extra bounce in my step, I walked into the studio and let the warmup music lull me into place. The freedom in my mind now overflowing into the energy in my body, without a care in the world. I was smiling, singing aloud, and bouncing around like everyone else.

With a quick pause to grab my water bottle, the woman next to me said, “Hey, that was a great blog! I could so relate.”

Someone read it, I thought nervously. “Wow…thank you for saying that,” I said, feeling my heart swell beyond capacity. And then moved back into place for the next song.

This time, the mirror caught my eye. Noticing myself, blended in with a full room of strangers, I felt comforted to be back…and then out of nowhere, I realized what I had done.

These were no longer strangers. I mean, surely I did not know most of them, but I allowed them into my head and my space by posting the truth about the person in my shoes. My eyes began darting back and forth to each person I saw. What were they thinking now? Were they watching me differently? Were their suspicions about my insecurities confirmed? Or had not they even noticed? I tried to note who seemed to be looking at me differently. Who was watching me. Who was talking about me, maybe a silent nod in my direction. But to my surprise, I didn’t find anything like that. Just a group of smiling, dancing, connected people moving their bodies in time to the music.

I shifted my thoughts back to my own two feet. Surely I was here for that too. I wasn’t here to note my flaws or anyone else’s. Just the opposite. I was here to note the ways in which we were alike and that was so obvious as the next song began and our hearts danced as one.

I may have wandered in on the first day, but I was not lost. In fact, I think I had finally been found.